Sunday, November 24, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
2004 - Life at the Cabin November 20 I also have my discontent moments here at the place. Not as many as I used to have, elsewhere. But I still have them.. Take this morning for example. Mornings are a busy time. Just like most folks, here you have to hit the ground running. I leave one lamp burning all night, very low. Once I turn it up, and brighten the place bit, I go around and light the remaining five. This can take a minute or two. certainly not the flip of a switch we all know and love, if not outright take for granted. Then if it's cold, like it is this morning, with the fire having died down or gone completely out, it's hard to get out from under the covers and into the cold air filling the cabin. Having provided myself with enough light to avoid a serious accident, usually shivering, I fling the stove door open, and scrounge around in the ashes for what ever coals may still be hot. Once I find some, I toss in a randomly oriented wad of small cut wood to kindle a new fire. So I sit and blow and blow until flame bursts forth. Then, as that crackles and burns, I get larger pieces of pine, then oak and fill the stove full. Once I'm sure it will take off, I dive back under the covers, wondering how I could have ever gotten from underneath them - they are pure comfort! The shutout of the cold air is bliss. It usually takes about ten minutes for the stove fire to warm the place, so sometimes I fall back to sleep, it having only been four or five in the morning anyway. Other days, like today, I go ahead and stay awake. Other days still, I stay up and wonder why the hell I don't go back to bed. I'm not sure what it is, but once I've been up for more than about ten minutes, I can't get back into bed. It feels funny to me. like I am lazy or something. I've been up an hour now, so there's no way I’d go back to bed, even though I feel like it. I feel tired and sleepy and I feel irritable. It wasn't enough I was feeling sleepy, but I knocked over and smashed a globe to one of my lamps; a $2 item, but when you don't have another one, and six lamps are exactly what it takes for it to be reasonably bright in here, a replacement globe is worth more than $2. Why on earth I don't keep extras is beyond me. Perhaps it has to do with the fact, there just isn't enough space here (16x16, the size of the medium sized bed room) to actually store anything. I can only keep what I will consume within the next few days, and that's about it. You'd think that lamp globes wouldn't take much space, but it's not only the space for the globe they need. They also need space around them to insure that nothing is placed on them or falls on them to smash them up, so I don't store any here. I just brave a dimmer cabin until I can get to town. And I usually don't mind the dirty floors, but sometimes it gets to me. I sweep my floors at least three times a day, and each time, it looks as if they haven't been swept in a year. Like I said, I usually don't mind, but I was thinking about it yesterday, as I was directing a plume of dust and debris out the door, this wouldn't work for most people. It only takes a moment to sweep the small space. But sometimes, I can't stand the feel of grit and sand under my shoes, and I have to sweep it again and again and again. No, I'm not the most content individual in the world this morning, but I am still glad to be here. The stars last night and this morning were and are something to be happy about. So many stars in fact, it's hard to make out the constellations you're so familiar with. There are so many more stars visible, the ones you know so well are hidden in the multitude. And the visitors. I like what visitors I have here. Yesterday, a man that I know of (I don't know him well, I just know who he is - he owns land on the other side of the mountain from me) came through here, asking if I had seen any of this hound dogs - beagle hounds. I hadn't seen them, nor had I heard them baying, but as I told him, it had been raining, and my tin roof makes it hard for me to hear anything during a rain storm. He said that he'd lost track of them down the river "a ways" from me, and they were last seen headed up this way. I told him that I’d keep and eye out and he was appreciative. Then talked about a great many things. the caves, the mountains, the old people and the old home places up in the high ways now victim to natures reclamation - and he knew so much. So even on my discontent days, I still have my great joys. I am working on an autobiographical history of Richards Bend. My autobiography from the period since I arrived here in 1998. all five years. I think you might find it interesting to know how I came to be here, so far away from my Son, where the idea hit me, and how and why I became so neurotic as to leave the comforts of a large city, and move not only to a small town, not only the back country of a small town, but to the woods. I am looking forward to writing it. I am looking forward to you reading it.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Thursday, October 17, 2013
My belief’s save me. This summer passed has been horrendous. I hate to keep complaining, and I am not now, I swear. I just need to share this with you as I promised I would. In the meantime, in order to show you that I am not, now complaining, I am actually doing quite well, feeling refreshed, quieted and implausibly rested. As I fought with cancer this summer passed, I had to lay down even the hammer and saw at the cabin for lack of energy and strength to carry out even the meagerest of tasks. Even during this horrific time, the cancer treatments weren’t even my largest worry, my greatest source of pain and sickness, nor the largest drain of my energy. My Son’s battle with drugs far out shadowed the cancer and treatments. I will spare you the details as reliving it now is not my intension. But suffice it to say, I had no idea that people got that bad off with drugs, I simply did not know. I had no idea what drugs could do, and I thought I was fairly well informed (as I still believe I am). With drug addiction, there is no end to the Hell and you when you find yourself entangled with an addicted family member, you are robbed of any reasonable sense of sanity and decency and left, writhing in illogical, incomprehensible pain of so alien a character, you’d sooner believe you, your own self had gone mad. It is in this context I wish to begin your understanding of what happened recently. I was at a bitter extreme as to how to handle my Son. No matter what I did, and it seemed I didn’t have any help. As I got sicker from the treatments, my ex-wife began to get more involved (which was hard for her sense she lives several hundred miles away, and our Son simply would not return her calls or texts). When things literally couldn’t possibly get any worse, he finally agreed to go in to treatment. I couldn’t believe what happened next. As our loved one suffered some of the worst pain I have ever seen or even heard of, we could find NO help for him! The local “hospital” wouldn’t take him. Nor would any of the regional hospitals near Somerset. Finally, he agreed to go into the Ridge where he had been earlier, but had left against medical advice (AMA), but even they left him waiting what would have been 24 hours in their waiting room, withdrawing from drugs while the insurance company decided whether or not to allow the payment of the treatment. He finally left the waiting room, as would I have done myself, and he found more dope. I simply didn’t know what to do, I went up into the woods behind my mother’s house, and I prayed to God. He had been answering prayers in my own life every day in an astonishing way, but when it came to prayers for my son, God didn’t seem to be listening. I had been praying for him all summer yet nothing was happening at all. I was dumbfounded when even the Ridge wouldn’t take him in for help. But then the morning after my prayer, my ex-wife called and proclaimed that she had found a treatment facility which would take him in that night, and they would handle every detail! This seemed beyond hopeful and as I remained cautiously optimistic, suddenly things started happening. But I went down for the count. I became so ill, my mother had to come get me and take me home with her for a few days. I could not rise out of the bed for several days, and I had never, in my life, been so sick. When I came out of the haze, even though I had all of the facts as they occurred I realized that my Son was in Florida and he had made it through detox with no problems. Yesterday was his seventh day without drugs and he was on his way to a new treatment for the next 30 or 60 days. When I spoke to him, he was so happy and he sounded so happy and sane! I know he is not out of danger, but at least he is in a good place, and he is out of immediate danger. What I find astonishing is how God answered this prayer. He closed off every other avenue, except the one in Floridian and I am certain he did this for a reason. He disallowed what I considered to be our only option, The Ridge. But if my Son had gone to the Ridge, he probably would not have stuck it out, and would have checked himself out like he did last time, and he would be right back in the town he knows so well. Alternatively, he is happily along his way to rehabilitation in Florida. Even is he checked himself out, he would have nowhere to go, and no way to get home! It is amazing how this worked out. Then, to top it all off, last week, when my Son arrived, somebody took a photo of a cloud in the shape of an angle in the sky’s over Palm Springs, Florida. It is amazing that I even saw this photo, with the millions of photo’s that people put on facebook. Friends, I am not a very good Christian. I was raised in this belief, and I have never renounced it. In fact, I have always believed, but I have not been active in my beliefs. I have not prayed as often as I needed too. But even after many years of me sitting on the sidelines, God has been there for me through this cancer and all other problems. Any doubts I might have had about Christianity, those are now long gone, and I am left with the sweetest faith and belief in a God who loves me and is moving me through my life by my side. We need not face a single thing without God at our side.