A Holiday

The cancer is the furthest from my mind since it began. The Holiday from chemo has made me feel normal – not sick. Reflections have lead me to believe God truly does not put more on us than we can handle. The first few minutes after a diagnosis are the worst. The next few days are not much better. The next few weeks are better… By that time, you’ve had the opportunity to meet other cancer patients – you’ve been able to look at their smiling faces and see happiness and hope even in the ones who know they will not survive. I was dumbfuzzled at first at how a person could be critically and terminally ill and still be happy. As the weeks went by, I think I understand it a little better….

We really do come to accept our fate over time. Even if that fate is uncertain. My fate is uncertain. I may survive this cancer and live to be and old man, like I hope to. I may not live more than just a while longer. Either case is okay with me. If I have a diagnosis, it is that it is uncertain. My oncologist will not give me a final prognosis until after all of my chemo – mid March. I have even made peace with that.

There are many things that I had planned on doing with the latter half of my life. If I have just completed that latter half, I will be sad about it, but I must accept it. I have no other choice. Life was given to me as a Gift From God, and I can hardly complain when He plans to bring me home. I pray that His Will be done, but I also pray that I may carry on and accomplish the things that I wanted to accomplish with the last half of my life.

The Holiday break from chemo has allowed me to feel much better – and be happy and moderately able. I can’t go backpacking or trout fishing like I normally would. I can’t ride 40 miles on my bike in training either… But I can function without being sick from chemo and I have loved the time off. It has allowed me to take a break from cancer and for the first time since September, I have felt NORMAL.

My treatments will resume January 2; I will be sick and dispatched again for three more months. But at least I have had a glimpse of what it will feel like to be off of treatments. Given that I will survive this whole thing, I plan to train on my bicycle and return to racing as soon as I can. I also plan to write the books that I always wanted to write.

If all goes well, I will be a grandfather in March/April. I will engage this opportunity with the deepest love and importance that such a relationship affords. I hope to fish again, and hunt ginseng…. In all of this, mine is a normal existence. I had hoped to live to be eighty years old or more. I had plans and hopes. If my time is nearing an end soon, I accept that… While I pray for Gods Will, I also pray that He will heal me, so that I may carry on with virtually meaningless endeavors; and the business that will one day change the world (grandfatherhood).