This is me now, writing, talking. It’s not a journal from the past, or a quick feed update, but me. Now.
I suppose I am not surprised by the results of the PET scan. It is just about what I expected it to be, although I could not rule literally anything else out, and that is the difficulty with medical test results… cancer test results. They can go anywhere. I mean, I could not rule out all of the pain in my stomach, chest, back, shoulder and head were not from runaway cancer cell growth. And that thought does run through your mind, I don’t care who you are. But at the same time, I could not rule out a “no evidence of disease” result either. (Some cancer patients call that NED). Surely that is the difficulty with cancer test results…. You pretty much know what they are going to say, but you just never know for sure.
I was watching Book TV the other night as they were interviewing S. Lochlann Jain, the author of the new book “Malignant, How Cancer Becomes Us”. The book, a no crap summary of everything cancer in the U.S., comes off a little angry to me, but I’m still reading it. Even the title is befitting of me, or should I same, it becomes me. I’ve been a cancer patient 804 days. I’ve had five major surgeries, four going on five different chemotherapy cycles including twenty four devastating infusions each lasting three days, fourteen CAT Scans, eight PET scans and I don’t know how many x rays. I had a colostomy bad for six months, had a barium enema, eight bathroom related accidents, and I’ve already outlived one doctor’s prognosis and I am not expected to live past another three years in all of the other medical opinions. In two and a half short years I’ve gone from hearing “did you ride your bicycle a hundred miles this weekend?” to “it was so good seeing you out walking the other day”.
I suppose I could ask how does cancer become me.
Like it not, tucked away on that long list of a million things that cancer does to its prey is the fact that it eventually defines us. Everything, and I mean literally everything revolves around the cancer, from what to eat and how to eat it, to whether or not I’ll go the movies with a friend. I think, the hardest part of the process is letting go, and actually letting it define you – and as I read this book, I think this might even be the authors point for us as a country. I see so many people out running or biking or walking, being healthy and while that used to be me, I will want it to be me. I am sick and of course, I don’t want to be sick. And it’s not the obvious: I don’t want to FEEL sick, or fell pain, I mean, I don’t want to BE sick. I don’t want this definition. But as time goes on, you begin to accept so much that you never imagined that you could accept. And the amazing thing is, it’s not as bad as you thought it would be.
Of course, there is every chance that I may be cured one day, no matter how small the chance. But even if the cancer were completely destroyed, never to return to my body, I will never be the same (I am not complaining, so hear me out). In fighting the cancer, the doctors have had to do things to my body that are irreversible and debilitating, and there are times this fact has been extremely sad for me. But as time passes, and I begin to accept it, I realize, these are just “new normals”. I can still do the best I can do, and that is all I ever did in the first place. It used to be, when I did the best that I could do, I won races, and championships, but that is just vanity. Was it the winning I enjoyed, or being the best in the crowed, or was it being the best that I could be for me and the simple joy of the activity in the first place?
So much has happened. So may prayers answered. So many horrors overcome. The war is not over, but the battles have ceased for the moment. In my new states of existence, as I am defined by my circumstances, it is almost as if I have new legs. It is like I have new legs, and I have yet to test them out. I am in a state of happiness about it, and I am enthusiastic about seeing what they can do and I know I will be pleased.
Friends, as I sit here, becomed of cancer, let me expresses how blessed I am! There is no way a person can go through this and not come out blessed beyond measure in that we know God has provided us with everything we’ve needed to succeed, even in the face of the harshest circumstances imaginable. I don’t think I will ever be totally afraid ever again. Not only have I always thought God would provide, I no longer have to wonder, or search for the faith. At least, on good days, I can go forth with the greatest confidence I’ve ever known, knowing that He is with me, and that there is nothing more I will ever need.
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