I don't recall being angry through all of this. Maybe I have been, and I just don't recall it. To be sure, I've had depression, anxiety and other emotions, but I don't remember ever being angry about having cancer.
I remember being angry regarding the amount of pain I was in last summer, and the fact that it wasn't going away in what I considered a normal amount of time. In fact, I remember one night, in the wee hours of the morning, being so fed up with the pain, I got out of bed, despite the extreme pain, and I walked further down the hall (about fifty feet) further than I had been able at any other time; and it was driven by pure anger. Of course I was dragging my "pole" around (my IV) and I was drugged out of my head on morphine. I barley remember it; raising my voice, waving my arms in a way - a classic, genuine hissy fit. I was talking to nobody in particular (because there was nobody there) why the pain wasn't going away and why couldn't I walk very far, and how much longer this pan going to rack my body and why doesn't somebody just put me in a coma until I heal. I was angry then; very angry. Not at the cancer, but the pain.
Somehow I think I understood it was where I needed to be at this point in my life. The cancer was so unusual for a person my age and previous fitness level, I figured it to be God's Will in some way that I did not or could not understand. So it was easy to not feel anger.
Now that I am getting around a lot better, and my scans prove me to be "cancer free" (which does not mean that I am in remission), I am beginning to look back at it all, and feel some anger. The data coming out of the UPMC research indicates that I have a %10 chance of living from five to ten years. So as once thought I probably had 30 to 40 more years to accomplish things in my life, has now possibly been compressed to just five or ten. I don't even know where to start. (Before you start writing comments that none of us have a guarantee for tomorrow, I know this - but the average lifespan in the US is 78. Mine is 55 to 60. It is not the same.). A much better retort would be the fact that I would probably already be dead or close to it, had I not found the HIPEC procedure. Now that truly is a blessing, and a Gift from God. In general, and almost all of the time, I feel fortunate and greatful. But not all of the time, and not for the past couple of days. I am only human.
I WANT AS MUCH GARENTEE AS I CAN POSSIBLY HAVE, that I will attend my grandson's high school graduation. If I did that, I'd be positive that I would have taught him how to fish by then, and I would have exposed him to my values of wilderness, nature, and the grandeur of God's Universe.
I WANT TO SEE MY SON REACH HIS DREAMS of becoming an attorney. After the challenges he has faced, for him to be where he is now, a father, working two jobs and about to finish a BA in criminal justice is just remarkable and I am so incredibly proud of the person and father my Son has become. I want to see it continue for longer than five or ten years.
I see my bicycling teammates and club mates riding all kinds of interesting rides: going to races and have success. I want to rejoin them. It would take me at least three months, and probably longer given what I have been trough physically to regain that kind of strength, if it were even possible. I have a fear of even getting started.
I am grateful that I am regaining so much strength, and that I have no detectable cancer in my body. Like I said above, without the HIPEC, I'd be very sick or dead already. So to complain, or be angry about having cancer now, truly is not a place a reasonable person would remain for very long. But it is how I feel right now, and I don't choose my emotions.
In my readings regarding "survivorship", it is common for patients to enter an angry phase when they've reached a certain level of healing. So I'm not abnormal (so called). Every cancer patient lives with the prospect and fear of a return of the cancer, and a return to the treatments that made us all so sick. Therefore, every cancer patient tends to prioritize what they want to accomplish with their lives. Accomplishments become more urgent. Even patients who are in full remission.
I don't expect all or even many of you to be able to follow the equation below, but for those of you who can, you might find it interesting.
{The cancer that I have, according to not only modern research, but the current models indicate the following functionality regarding mortality:
M(t) = 0.8533*e^(-0.2626t)
Where M is mortality and is a function of time (months)
t = time in months
e = natural log e = 2.71….
I derived this model based on the UPMC data regarding mortality of patients who had the cancer that I have, and underwent my treatments exactly. This model fits the real data %97}
What the above means is that I have less than a %10 chance of surviving from five to ten years. You may not like math, or mathematical ideas as they relate to anything, especially a persons life, but I do like them. And I like to use them. Ultimately, I am trying to get to a place, emotionally and in Faith, where I can live life as if I had never gotten sick. Day to day. And to carry on with the life I would be living had I never gotten sick. It is hard, but I am making some progress. I am also having setbacks, like now.
When I first got sick, I was literally torn from an enjoyable, rewarding and active lifestyle. I just don't want to have to go through that again. I don't want, for example, to begin training and attain a high level of performance, then be ripped away from that again. I am striving to set these fears aside and carry on, but I first must do it honestly. Bravery is not something I want to fake, and I don't think I even could fake it.
Like it or not - believe it to be cowardice or not, IT IS WHERE I AM. I am afraid to start training again. I am afraid to believe the cancer will never come back. And that can have no other meaning but that it is easier to simply remain in a "sick mode", and try nothing that leads to something I may loose. When I was sick and weak, it was obvious that I would not begin to train, or do the other physical activities that I love. Now that I am getting a great deal of my strength back, the only thing stopping me is my fear.
I am not choosing to stay in a "sick mode". I am working through my emotions so that I may move forward in the healthiest, strongest, most appropriate way possible. While I am not there yet, I will get there, I have all the confidence in that. Please understand, this does require a lot of hard work, emotionally and spiritually.
In the end, I think what is going on inside my heart is that I never got mad about having cancer. Most people believe anger to be a bad emotion; one not to be displayed or even felt. This is, in my opinion, wrong. We must deal with all of our emotions, even anger. I am not saying that when we get angry, it is Okay to go beat somebody up, or go on a shooting rampage. No, that is not healthy and that is not what I mean. Anger must be processed just like any other emotion; in a healthy and meaningful way. And that is what I intend to do. Furthermore, I don't intend to pretend that I am not angry and shove it down inside me. That is not healthy either.
As always, as I enter this new phase of healing, I ask for your prayers. I am confident that God will heal me regarding these issues as miraculously as he healed me physically.
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