Emotional Inertia

Some days, not many and not very often, nothing anybody says or does can relive my sorrow, grief, anxiety, (on and on) regarding what has happened to me. Yesterday was a day like that. I had imagined that I would begin training again on the bicycle yesterday; I had become excited about it, and I have a plan how to gently restore myself to some level of fitness that is reasonable. However, when the time came for me to dress and get out on the bike, I encountered some fierce anxiety. Ultimately, I ended up not training, and went driving around with Peggy for some autumn photographs. That was pleasant, but I was disappointed that I didn't have the emotional strength to do what I had intended. I don't suppose it is surprising that I have some emotional resistance when I begin to perform my most cherished activities. When I look back at these past 14 months, I realize that when I was told I had late stage cancer, I wasn't feeling sick; at least not sick enough to stop doing all of my normal activities. So, it was a TOTAL SHOCK to get this information. As such, I was torn, literally ripped from an extremely active lifestyle that stretched back to the time I first learned to walk. Emotionally, it was extremely difficult, because I went from not feeling sick at all, to surgery, to another surgery, to chemotherapy, then more serious surgery and nearly dying - and none of it was actually from the cancer and all of it from the actual treatments. I am simply unsure I want to set myself up for that kind of life-reversal again. I don't want my life to be turned upside down again, like it was 14 months ago. So I am afraid to begin cycling again. In a great many ways, it is easier to simply remain "sick", and since I have already accepted my possible early demise, why mess with the status quo? I mean, if I reach for the stars again, conduct my life as if I were no longer sick, I could be slammed back down again. If I remain where I am, the crush of it won't be as bad, if the cancer returned. (by the way, there is a relatively high probability that it will return, and I will have to re-enter some kind of treatment). When I look out at my cycling team and club, I want so badly to rejoin them. I want so badly to become the cyclist that I was formerly - and re-take my place among the top (regionally). But I am afraid. Or at least I was yesterday. Maybe today, I won't be. Maybe today I can begin living the life I have. Yes, I need only do that. And I should go knowing that what ever lies in my future, God will give me the tools necessary.