Unsettled/Uncertain

I spent the last two days somewhat depressed. The sun is coming up right now. The sky appears to be perfectly clear – what a beautiful day we must have in store for us! So, if it is all the same to you, I am going to resist the depressive moods with all my might today.

I start chemotherapy again on Monday. This will be my forth treatment (out of twelve). My treatment regime consists of a three to four hour IV every other Monday. After the IV, they send me home with a pump that continues the treatment for 22 hours. Tuesday, I arrive back at the doctors office right at the time the pump is finishing, and I have another 3 to 4 hour IV. They send me home again Tuesday night with a pump that continues the treatment for another 22 hours. Wednesday, I go back in to have the pump removed. The sickness and fatigue that comes along with it, lasts until about the following Monday.

I think part of my depression this week has been in anticipation of treatments starting Monday. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and I feel a little sorry for myself that I am not going to be feeling well at all.

I haven’t yet sorted out how to feel about the holidays. I love Thanksgiving and the Christmas a great deal. I have a birthday in there too. But I think, if it were a choice I’d just-as-soon skip it this year. Not in a “Scrooge” sort of way, just in the practical sense that I know I’m not going to be feeling well.

It is odd how my outlook has changed. It has changed in every particle of grey matter I have. I will try to explain more thoroughly in later posts. But I guess I could sum up how I’ve been feeling the last couple of days by sharing the question that seems to have been on my mind the last two days…

“What I am going to do now? With the rest of my life?”

Wow.