Well, I wasn't like the wicked witch of the west from the Wizard of Oz who melted when she got watered. This, my fourth treatment should constitute 1/3rd of my entire treatment regime; that is, when I finish it on Wednesday. I am happy about that. As the treatments go along, however, they effect more profoundly in some ways, and less in others. Strange. As long as it killing what is killing me, no complaints about the uncomfort of chemo.
The first night of my second treatment, I got extremely sick and my mother and brother-in-law had to take me to the ER. Ever since then, I stay with my mother at her house every first night of treatment. So, last night that is where I spent the night. I was four years old when my family moved into the house, and it really his my home. It is nice being here, and Mom takes good care of me.
In a great many ways, I believe that being the parent of a cancer patient would be worse than having cancer yourself. I mean, if my Son had cancer, I'd be a basket case! I feel sorry for Jonny, my Son, when he gets a cold. I can't imagine how hard this is on Mom.
After two or three days of isolation and depression last week, on Saturday, I built a camp fire at my Mom's and my friend Jack Evans came to sit with me for a hour or more. I told him that I just wasn't sure what to do with my life; now or even after treatment. I was considering proceeding with a master's degree in mathematics but that seems silly now, and I told him that. Jack said the coolest thing. He said that my best, and as he saw it, only option was to proceed as if nothing had changed. Live your life - take the ride - experience the adventure, he said.
When I spent too much time away from my friends, I tend to get into the wrong frame of mind. Still, I don't think rushing off to UK for a grueling advanced educational endeavor is possible while on chemo, but perhaps after.
The hardest part of all of this is that I figure my chances of survival are about %50 (Much higher in my mind than the statistics). So when I see or think about the things I love, there is a sadness in me, which stems from the uncertainty.
I have so many questions for which there are no answers; at least for now. It is hard.
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