Saturday, April 28, 2012

The last thing I remember my oncologist saying to me a couple of weeks ago was “The dye is cast”. Because the chemotherapy had become to toxic to me, and my body could tolerate no more, he discontinued it at 8/12 of the way through. That is two thirds, and I don’t think they believed that I would remain cancer free even if I did all twelve. What the doctor meant was, we’ve done all we can do for now, and we will just have to wait and see what happens next. To say the cancer has not been on my mind at all would be insane, but God has granted me a soothing and spiritual reprieve from the weight of being a stage 4 cancer patient. What I mean to say is, it hasn’t been too much on my mind. As of February, I was cancer free, and the only thing keeping them from telling me I was in remission is that not enough time has passed. I will go for a scan May 10th, and maybe then they will give me the good news. Or not. I suppose, it doesn’t really matter. What will be will be and I praise God so much for giving me the strength to face this with as little fear as I have had. Of course, I have had deeply fearful moments, but overall, I have been able to maintain a good quality in my outlook. And that is not from within me, but God Given and there is no doubt in my mind. Obviously, I’d like to live on and see my Grandson grow into a young man. I’d like to see my Son graduate from college and find a peaceful, soothing place in his life. While I believe that I will see these things, it is possible that I will not. And I find it all so very odd… just months ago, I believed I’d live to be 80 or more, and as long as my life had seemed so far, I still had roughly half to go. That notion was both comforting and frightening. The doctors say that I have less than a five percent chance of surviving five more years. While I don’t believe this statistic, I also much keep my mind and my heart prepared. To say that my outlook on life has changed would be like saying, a trip to the moon would be difficult to arrange. Obviously. My life has been difficult. My life has been rewarding. My life has been just like everybody else’s. Given a choice, I’d choose to live on for a good spell, but that is not up to me, and apparently the odds are against it (though I don’t believe the odds). What seems to matter the most to me now is living each day the best I can. What seems to matter the most is finding as much joy and beauty as I can – moving into the things that actually mean something…. And away from the stressful, harmful meaningless things. In so many ways, this has all been a blessing. It has clarified things for me so much, and for the first time in my life, and find myself able to slow down, stop worrying about stupid things and hang on to the joyful, beautiful moments for a little bit longer than I ever could. As insane as it sounds, I am not sure I would want to return to things the way they were before cancer. It is though these eyes, and these circumstances I’ve had my Grandson born. My Son’s few moments in lightness of being and laughter are so much more beautiful to me now. Violets that pop up in my yard, or in the woods – the ones I never hardly noticed before now magical enough to do anything. My friends… my Sisters, Father and Mother… all wonderfully diverse and dynamic – For the first time in my life, nothing but the beautiful things in nature, in my life or in the people around me really matter (dropped my coffee pot and broke it – get a new one – It matters so very little). I can’t begin to tell you or explain how blessed I feel; even if not especially when regular life issues are difficult. God is with me, and I thank Him so much. If I have to go sooner than a man my age ought to, I will have gone having lived in true joy; and this because of the thing that took me away too early.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It's been a long while since I have spoken to you. Back when you were living at RB actually. I have thought of you often through the years and I have missed you. I followed you a bit through the bike shop and was so happy you found cycling again. Now here I am, searching for you again and I find The Wren's Tea Kettle and I find you sick. I am so sad for you. I am sorry this happened to you and I know you are putting up a good fight. I hope you update more often and get in touch with me again. I have missed you a lot and I am very glad I found you. Heather